Things Happen For A Reason November 6, 2009
Posted by jessieloi in introspection, something personal.3 comments
Things happen for a reason.
Every gust of wind, every leaf that falls from a tree, every time your shoe lace comes untied, every person you smile at or just pass by – it all happens for a reason. Some times, the effect of these happenings are too small or too insignificant for us to realise.
Last night, I opened my Gmail inbox, out of habit. I have this very OCD-ish habit, where I MUST check my email all the time, and I leave my Gmail window open as long as I am online.
Anyway, point is I opened my Gmail and I saw an email. It was the first email I noticed among a bunch of unread emails. I think it’s because of its cute title =)
This email could have come at any time, but it didn’t. It came last night.
You see, I had a decision to make. It isn’t some big important decision that will affect the whole world or the people around me, but the decision I make is very important to me.
Like I said, things happen for a reason. =)
I can’t say that I am very certain with my decision or I have fully made up my mind, but the email did help.
=)
Ah Kong November 3, 2009
Posted by jessieloi in introspection, something personal.9 comments
I just read Audrey’s blog, A Moment of Silence was her most recent entry.
Her entry was short, but I felt extremely sad after reading it. It reminded me of my grandfather.
It was in the year 2000 when he passed away. It was so sudden. That morning, 9 years ago, my grandfather started coughing and I don’t know what happened but what I know is he was sent to the hospital and he died there. I wasn’t by his side.
I was not there during his funeral. I was sitting for UPSR. The day he was buried was my last day of UPSR.
I remembered feeling really bad that I couldn’t be there. I can’t remember what paper was my last paper but I remember so clearly how I tried so hard to hold my tears. I couldn’t concentrate. In my head, I kept saying “I’m sorry Ah Kong. I can’t make it to your funeral. I really want to. I’m sorry you had to go so soon. I’m sorry for not being able to be the best granddaughter you can have. I’m sorry.” I was hoping he could hear me. I almost burst into tears in the exam hall.
Suddenly, a gust of wind entered the hall and, as strange as this may sound, I caught the scent of my grandfather. My grandfather has this smell that is very much, I should say his scent, with his combination of powder, cologne and what not. I remember looking up from my paper immediately when I caught his scent. I thought he was there. I looked around me to see where the smell had come from but nobody was around me, just my friends. I stared into space for awhile, wondering. I realised a few minutes later that maybe, just maybe my grandfather was there with me in the exam hall. Maybe Ah Kong did come. Maybe he heard me and came to tell me that he will always be there for me and supporting me in whatever I do.
I have not told many people about this and I don’t really like talking about it because I don’t know if I can hold my tears when I do. Till now I still believe that Ah Kong was there in the exam hall with me as I took my last UPSR paper.
I still miss him. Sometimes I worry that I might forget how he looks like, how he sounds like and he smells like but I worry too much. I still remember, very clearly.
Keep Burning October 20, 2009
Posted by jessieloi in introspection, university.7 comments
Tomorrow I take my final test and pass up the last report I am going to write for this semester.
I should be letting out a sigh of relief but I can’t. Next week is my study week already. In 2 weeks, the final exams season starts. The only thing I am looking forward to is a month later. I will be flying home =)
How fast time flies. Already I am finishing my third semester and I’m moving into my fourth semester. 3 more semesters before I graduate and become a degree holder.
Honestly, I cannot wait for this semester to end. This semester was one tough one for me in every aspect.
Academically, it has been a huge disappointment. Compared to last year, I don’t think my subjects are as difficult as the subjects I took last semester yet I am performing much much worse than before. If you have been following my blog, my academic results are extremely important to me. I know that my academic results are not everything but they do matter, a lot. I did not manage to get into the Dean’s list last semester, I don’t see that happening this semester. I have a goal of graduating with at least a CGPA of 3.50. After this semester, I am gonna have to do damn blardy well for the next 3 semesters. Sigh.
Physically, well, I obviously haven’t been taking care of myself. I’ve been falling sick more frequently and I’ve been having frequent headaches which are not a good sign. I either sleep to little or too much. Most of the time I don’t take lunch (No, I am NOT trying to lose weight so don’t worry. I just don’t feel like eating lunch sometimes) and late at night I eat junk. The only exercise I get is when I walk to classes. I know how bad my lifestyle is right now, which is why I’ve made it a point to walk to ALL my classes. Even if it means walking uphill.
If I were to sum up this whole semester in one word, it has to be disappointment. I was expecting to do much better this semester, I thought I would be able to pull my grades up; I thought my time management would be better; I thought I would be able to perform better in many other things in many ways but I did not.
I did not do a lot of things I thought I would and I said I would.
Now, all I wanna do is do my best in the coming final exams and not make this disappointment any worse.
I have a lot of self-reflection to do for this semester but one thing is for sure, I am not going to give up on anything. I still remember telling myself that I am not going to graduate from University asking myself “What have I achieved?” Nopes, that is not going to happen. I won’t let it happen.
Keep Burning =)
“Keep Burning” I have to keep telling myself that and I will.
Note:
This picture is in a Facebook photo album I have – The Little Things That Matter.
The Light September 28, 2009
Posted by jessieloi in introspection, something personal.4 comments
There were a few distinct moments in my life that led me to become who I am today.
I am not saying that I have ‘perfected myself’ in any way cause I know I have so much more to learn and so much more to discover about Me. Besides if I somehow managed to achieve perfection (which I think is extremely impossible) don’t you think my life would be an extremely boring one?
To compare the current Me with the previous one, there is a huge difference I should say. I am not talking about my physical appearance ok! I know I used to have some hair issues, skin issues and a fashion crisis but I am only human X)
The ‘huge difference’ I was talking about is the way I think. I guess you could use the word mature here. I think I have matured tremendously.
The Me then always thought that in one’s darkest days, a light will always find you to brighten your life up; to make things better.
Now I know that that is not always true.
During the darkest of days, I always go all out to try to find that ray of light. Cause I know that it will lead me to the exit. To get me out of this dark tunnel.
Never Assume, Judge or Use Your Head Too Much September 6, 2009
Posted by jessieloi in introspection, something personal.3 comments
Never assume and judge. If there is one thing I’ve learned again and again and again, it’s to never assume and judge.
I admit though, that at times I forget and I don’t think. I jump to conclusions just based on what I saw and then I judge. Most of the time, I misjudge.
It’s funny how humans think. We hate it when people judge us based on what they see or just what they hear. Yet, that is the exact thing that we do onto others.
If you insist on assuming and judging and think that you are right, be ready to admit that you might have been wrong.
—
My friend asked me a question last night. A question I couldn’t answer.
Imagine one day, you have choice between a guy/girl that you really love and another guy/girl who you like and is your perfect ideal boyfriend/girlfriend. Who will you choose?
I find it very… disturbing that I couldn’t answer that. No matter how much I think about it, I always end up at a crossroad. A dilemma. It’s more disturbing when I realised that even with this question I am in a dilemma, what would I do when Iam facing this situation in real life? Will it be easier?
Some of you must be wondering why I am being so bothered by this question. It’s cause I cannot answer it. Most of the time, when someone asks me questions like this, I am very clear about the decision I will make. I can give a very sure answer.
I guess the reason why I couldn’t (and still can’t) give an answer is 1. I am not in the situation for real and 2. I tend to follow my head rather than my heart and with a question like this, my head cannot give me an answer.
No wonder I love the Disney Princess series. “Listen to your heart and follow it”. They make it look so easy. Maybe I should watch more cartoons. The Princess and the Frog anyone?
Hate July 23, 2009
Posted by jessieloi in introspection, something personal.2 comments
Hate is such a dangerous thing.
Keep it in you, it wears you out, changes you and in the end the consequences are never pretty.
It’s contagious. Show too much, it might be transferred on to another. Weird how that actually works.
Hate just takes too much time and energy. Once you hate, it’s very hard to let go. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. It never turns out good.
Hate blurs our judgement and takes away all optimism we have.
Never hate. I try my best not to. I may dislike some people, complain about them but I never hate. Because I know once I hate, it is so hard to turn back, to forgive. I have seen how when hate develops, friendship gets torn apart and it goes beyond repair.
So my dear friends and whoever who reads this. Don’t let yourself get too absorbed in hatred. It isn’t worth your energy.
A New Chapter…again July 7, 2009
Posted by jessieloi in AIESEC, introspection, university.7 comments
A new chapter.
To me, that’s what every semester is. At every chapter, there are always new stories to tell.
Yups, I am back in USM 
I am now living the same hostel, new block, new room and a new roommate.
When I was moving my stuff, it reminded me of the first itme I stepped into USM. I remembered the whole emotional turmoil haha kidding. I remembered the emotions I felt. Well, it’s different this time.
I came back to USM happy, I guess because I had an amazing holiday (a holiday where I barely updated my blog xp).
I facilitated a conference in UPM (MYC) and met amazing people and some are from different countries. I learned so much from the delegates (who are much younger than me btw), the other facilitators and the Organising Committee (OC). A few words to sum up my experience at MYC – awesome, amazing, inspiring, worthwhile.
I attended the National Convention (NatCon) and had an amazing time with my team from LC USM (each AIESEC in each university is called a Local Committee, LC). We cracked out brains to plan for our LC’s future together. We shared our stories together. We talked rubbish and pillow-talked, together. We joked, laughed and cried, together. We were lame, serious, crazy and spontaneous, together. Me, being part of the ‘together’ on each sentence – wonderful
Later, I went to Singapore with LittleSis Loi and spent some time with her, BigSis Loi and little Alex. I had soooo much fun! I even got to meet up with Michelle there! Oh wait, you guys might not know her cause I haven’t wrote about MYC. *guilty*
Oh after that I went to Port Dickson for a one night trip with the eXtended femerie. X)
Then Jitsan (my ex-roommate) came to Subang! and now I am here, typing this.
I haven’t had proper rest at all during the holidays and I probably wouldn’t be getting sleep in uni, but you know what, I love every minute of my holidays.
With such an amazing holiday, I am super excited about the new semester! Who knows what will happen in this semester, right? XD.
First Impressions June 27, 2009
Posted by jessieloi in introspection.12 comments
First impressions.
Everytime we meet someone new, for that few seconds, we develop our own impression, our own personal opinion of that person. In that few seconds, we judge.
People always have wrong first impressions of me. So I told myself to never ever judge other people especially people who I just met.
I tell people that I don’t usually have ‘first impressions’ of other people. That is, however, a lie. Everyone always have those ‘first impressions’. It’s human nature. I’ve learned though, to not take all these ‘first impressions’ seriously. I always get first impressions wrong, so shrug off my judgement until I get to know that person.
I get annoyed sometimes, with people who truly believes in their first impression of another. I’ve met people who get a shock of their lives when they find out I am not like how they thought I was.
Maybe it’s not their fault. Maybe the way I bring myself always sends out the wrong message. Maybe, without realising it, I do act all pompous and what not. Maybe I should do a little review of myself.
Then again, why should I? Nah, I’ve learned to not care. I know who and how I am. My friends know that too.
I have again and again proven to other people that I am not a spoilt brat or a ‘naughty’ girl (what is their definition of ‘naughty’ I do not know) or a player (by player I mean toying with other guys). So, I’ve learned to not take people’s opinions of me (especially those who just know me) too seriously.
It works both ways. When people tell me what they think of me the first time they met me, I don’t take it too seriously. At the same time, whatever first impression I have on someone else, I never hold on to it. My first impressions are always wrong. Every single time.
Today, I have been proven wrong again. I have never felt happier to be wrong =)
Protected: The Reason for Tears June 19, 2009
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Protected: Expectations April 17, 2009
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